[bell ringing]
♪ I need a breakthrough
♪ I need some answers
♪ I need some breakfast
♪ I need some chances
♪ I hate you
♪ Don't really hate you
♪ And I castrate you
♪ For heaven's sake
♪ You know
♪ For we see the red sky
♪ Face my longest night
♪ Glory on my left side
♪ And sensation on my right
♪ I just want you
♪ You
♪ I get the feeling
- [Voiceover] This is Brady, lucky old bastard that he is.
[moaning]
As you can see, little bit of a devil with the ladies,
and sometimes, like this moment here, in fact,
I really, really hate the bastard.
- Morning, baby. Did you sleep okay?
- Fine, thanks.
- You were fantastic last night.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm Brady, by the way.
[happy, carefree music]
- [Voiceover] This is Fred.
She shares a house with Brady.
Fred's a very cool girl, no messing.
She doesn't eat salads.
She drinks pints.
She swears a lot.
Sort of a good-looking bloke.
- [laughs] You silly cunt.
- [Voiceover] Yep, even C word.
- Thought you'd like a big 'un in your hand.
- Well even I've got a bigger dick than you.
See you later.
- [Voiceover] She's always had a bit of a thing for the sea,
so she's often around the world.
Pretty soon is leaving time.
I'll miss her. Be like losing a little brother.
[flute music]
Now this is Angus.
[groans]
You've probably guessed: he's a student.
- Excuse me.
- [Luke] All that's missing is the traffic cone.
He also shares a house with Brady,
[groans]
and we became mates.
[groans]
- God, please, stop the pain.
Stop it, and I swear I'll never drink again.
Here, you.
There, sorry, got it in your eye.
He truly is a poor excuse for a human being,
but he's a bloody good laugh.
[burps]
[snoring]
- Oh, mystical and sacred ball of vision,
show me.
Show me the future.
- [Voiceover] I know what you're thinking.
Ariel really believes all that bollocks.
- Let I see, what shall be.
- [Voiceover] She and Fred are best friends.
She likes to think that she's a psychic.
- Well show me something.
Show me bloody anything, you cheap, fake piece of crap.
[screams]
- Whoa, whoa, wait.
- When will I have some power?
- You will when you're meant to.
You've got to stick with it.
- Can you be any more specific?
- Feel the energy,
and believe.
- Thanks, Aury.
Now--
- Yes, Ariel?
- Can you turn around?
I need to get changed.
- I know that.
♪ How
♪ Do you get by?
- [Voiceover] Yeah, that sad, lonely,
bad-breath motherfucker is me.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me,
not just yet.
There is so much more to come.
I've been paid to write a horror novel,
but I literally lost the plot.
To think of a genius ending that would make
Clive Barker literally shit his pants,
I can't stop thinking about my ex.
Yeah, that's her, Jennifer.
I was totally in love with her.
I really should change my desktop picture.
- Morning, love.
You fancy a cuppa?
- No, thanks.
- How's the book going?
- It's not.
I've been kind of distracted.
- Aw.
You'll find someone else.
- Oh please don't say that.
I'll find someone else.
It wasn't meant to be.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
I'll find someone better.
- I know you think your life is over,
but you're wrong.
When your father died, I was just the same.
- Well, that's a bit different, mum.
- I suppose, but...
I thought I'd never meet anyone else,
never have sex ever again.
Your father was my first.
I never knew anything different,
but after he died,
I tried all sorts.
- Mum.
- Big ones,
small ones,
crooked ones,
oral, anal--
- Jesus, Mom!
- Oh come on, we're both adult.
- Never speak to me about that stuff again, please.
I've got to get on with some work.
- All I'm saying is go out there.
Have some fun,
and always give oral.
Maybe that's why Jennifer left you.
- [Luke] Shut up!
[fast dance music]
[singing in foreign language]
- So what do you think?
For movies and X Factor?
I've been thinking about us now,
being a new couple and stuff.
- I wouldn't really call us a couple.
- I just think since it's Valentine's Day,
we should go to see your parents, you know,
to introduce me.
- It's Valentine's Day?
Today?
- And to think, every year,
our anniversary will be on Valentine's Day.
- I have to go.
- Now?
- Right now.
- Are you sure?
[dramatic music]
- Move it. Move it.
Move it. [groans]
Move it.
I'll take this one.
- Watch the fucking dish.
- [Angus] Watch my fucking toes.
Eat sandal.
[groans]
♪ I will get shoes on
♪ Hairy mounts
♪ Lift me up and down like I got something more ♪
- Will you be mine today?
Be good to daddy.
♪ She had a little joke
♪ Now it seems all fine
♪ Now we'll never be all free
♪ Rather be a goddamned freak
♪ Rather be a freak and
♪ Feel like you
♪ I'd rather, rather be a freak
♪ Rather be a goddamned freak
♪ Rather be a freak and
♪ Feel like you
[gulps]
[sighs]
[mumbles]
♪ Rather be a freak
♪ Than be like you
- What the fuck am I thinking?
- I knew it.
- What?
- You little devil.
Finally going to 'fess up about your lust?
- Bad idea?
- Have a little fling before shipping off
like some horny soldier.
What's wrong with that?
- What if I want more than a fling?
- Have you tried it on before?
- No, that would be weird.
We grew up together.
He's like my brother, kind of.
- Trust in the stars, I did.
That's how I found my soulmate.
- Who lives thousands of miles away.
- Thousands of miles means nothing when you have love.
Skype.
- Late again?
- Lateness is a perception that time is linear
and the space-time continuum cannot be deconstructed.
What is that fishy smell?
Have you converted her?
Lays of people.
- Where's Brady?
- [Angus] Take a guess.
- Fucking dick.
- Penis.
That's all men are,
just walking, fucking penii.
Just a penis with two balls for legs.
[lively music]
[typing]
- Too nice.
[typing]
Too gay.
[typing]
- Now that's not bad, but...
- Luke.
- I'm busy,
and I don't need to hear any more of your advice.
- You know, it's Valentine's Day.
I was wondering, why don't you give Jennifer a call?
Take her out to dinner or something.
- It's over, mum. She dumped me.
- Maybe it's not you.
I was at a party the other night,
and there was this woman there.
You know, I've never had any interest in women before,
but I really felt quite--
- Get out.
- Oh, don't be such a prude.
Must get it from your father.
[bright jazzy music]
[door slams]
[pants]
- Oh, decided to come home, did we?
- Make me some coffee?
- Make it yourself, you walking penis.
- [Brady] What's wrong with you?
- Hey, happy Valentine's day.
- Hello. See you later, Ariel.
Should go get some fresh air.
Something smells rotten in here.
- What is wrong with you two?
- It couldn't have anything to do with your brains
being located in your scrotum.
Fred's not in a good mood.
- My God, you really are a phenomenon.
Did she get any cards?
- Not the one she wanted.
Your post is on the table, Cassanova.
[folksy rock music]
[telephone ringing]
- Good morning, Smith and Stars, Jeremy speaking.
How can I help you?
- [Brady] Jeri? It's Brady.
- It is Jeremy. Jer-eh-mee.
Why have you not called in sick again?
- Is the boss man there?
- [Jeremy] No, he's in a meeting.
Probably about sacking your ass.
What is it this time, chlamydia?
- Tell him I have a pain in the ass.
- I'll tell you what you've got,
anal AIDS in your ass,
that's what you've got.
- Nice talking to you, Jeri.
Wanker.
[bright dance music]
♪ [mumbles]
♪ The water verging in my eyes
♪ If you want to see how epic is
♪ The electric adrenaline
♪ Tell me what the fuck a dream's for
♪ Have to fuck a lot for heaven's door
[grunts]
♪ Pop your pop can
♪ And a beer
- Yeah!
♪ In a chimney
♪ Reach high Ohio
♪ Since you're intent on like a Welling gun.
♪ Hand on your heart
♪ After we run
♪ I'm going through with Russell
♪ Yeah, I got lightning in a bottle
♪ I know you can't love me
♪ I'm boundless sanity
♪ I'm going through with Russell
♪ Yeah, I got lightning in a bottle
♪ No, you can't stop me.
♪ I'm boundless sanity
[sings]
- Ah, Angus. Morning.
- Music, take it off.
- I can't hear what you just said.
I'll turn off the music, okay.
- Morning, Angus.
- I still can't hear you.
- I'm just fu- I'm messing around.
- Yeah. Tell me, what are your thoughts on today's subject.
- Ah, it was brilliant.
- Is about?
- Yeah, it was brilliant, superb,
like [grunts] best like,
it's really... up there, you know,
pushing the roof.
- Yeah, and what is today's subject?
- Don't know.
But don't worry, I've got faith in you
because you're so good.
- Yeah, well, perhaps if you'd have graced us
with your presence yesterday,
you might know it?
- Yeah, I had to take my nan to the hospital.
She wasn't well, not well at all.
I don't think she's going to make it home for Christmas.
- Well, I'm very sorry to hear that.
- We put the baubles on the tree, we used to do that.
- I'm sorry, yeah.
Well, today we're studying paranoia in social situations.
- Why do you always say that to me?
- Ah, good one.
- Yeah, thanks.
Look, can I go and get a coffee,
because I need to get one and have a dump before class.
- Okay, well, remember the essay's soon--
[mumbles]
♪ You bounce off me
♪ I'm boundless energy
- To skip you having to see and read the letter,
or, you know,
us getting Sir Ian McKellen to read the whole fucking thing
out to you,
I'll give you the gist.
It's from the publisher,
telling me that my book is very, very late,
and unless I give them the completed manuscript
very, very soon,
then they want the advance they paid me back,
which, seeing as I've spent it,
in a nutshell, means I'm very, very fucked.
To Luke
Happy Valentine's day.
Love, Mum.
No!
[echoes]
- Hi, Brady.
I'm Betty, and I've got big boobs.
[text ding]
[farting]
[text ding]
[knocking]
- Were you here to see me?
- I'm afraid not, Mrs. Sharp.
- Aww, I was hoping you were here to give me
my Valentine present.
- Mrs. Sharp, are you trying to seduce me?
- Always.
Well, don't just stand there, come in.
- Is Luke around?
- He's in the kitchen.
Don't I get a kiss for Valentine's Day?
- So you made it, then.
- Just about.
- I'm off out, love, I'll see you later.
Here.
- No, Mom.
- Go on, take it.
Go down to the arcade or something.
- Well, I'm not twelve,
but wooh! Thanks, mum.
- Happy Valentine's.
- Thanks, Mrs. Sharp.
- Ms.
Ms. Sharp
- I think your mum fancies me.
- You want some muesli?
- Muesli? I didn't come all this way for hamster food.
Grab your coat.
- Where we going?
- Follow me.
- What would you like, boys?
- Porridge. Two.
- Oy, Martin, two heart attacks.
- The English breakfast.
Oh, beautiful, isn't it?
This feast will usually consist
of sausage, bacon, eggs, beans,
fried bread, fried tomatoes.
That's for the healthy aspect.
All right, it's not the healthiest way to start the day,
but you're not going to live forever.
- Great British cuisine.
- I wonder how far you have to jog to work that off?
- What's the point of eating if you're just going
to exercise after?
I better get down to the library.
- Hey.
- What?
- I'm bunking off.
You can't just go running off to a library
to do some work.
- I've got to finish my book.
- Do it tomorrow.
- No, no, there are people relying on me
to finish this novel.
- Well, all I'm saying is you don't have to do it right now.
- What we going to do instead?
- It's pretty awesome to think that
we're only thirty of miles away
from millions of French people.
You can almost smell the cheese.
- You still blocked?
- No, had a good one this morning.
- The book.
- I stare at the screen, but I can't seem to press the keys
in the right order.
Rest of the book's fine.
It's actually pretty good,
but since Jen dumped me,
I've just dried up.
- Like a nun's hooch on Monday.
- [Luke] I should just give up, get a real job.
- Bollocks.
- Look at me. I'm almost middle-aged.
- You're twenty-seven.
- I live with my mum.
I'm unemployed, no girlfriend, no money.
I need money, my own money.
- You make it sound like you have
the worst life in the world.
Look at me, I work.
I'm a fucking insurance salesman.
I sit behind a desk all day
and chat to people who don't want to speak to me.
Then talk them into buying insurance they don't need
and really can't afford.
What kind of a fucking job is that?
- One that pays the rent.
- What's the point of working nine to five,
Monday through Friday,
and accomplishing nothing?
You're writing a book.
You're doing something for yourself.
At the end of the day,
everything that I do is for somebody else's benefit.
So why not do what you really want to do?
- What, drawing? That's just a dream.
- Stop calling it a dream.
Call it an ambition.
If I can get paid to write,
you can get paid to draw.
Draw what?
- You could illustrate my book.
- You can't finish that book, remember?
- Did Brady say anything?
- Not really.
- Don't you think you're cutting it close?
- I wish I was like you.
You know what you want.
- Are you shitting me?
- I'm a mess.
I don't know what to believe.
- I thought you believed in everything.
- Yeah, well,
I'm having a kind of a crisis of faith.
All this stuff seemed right.
I thought it had all the answers,
but I'm not so sure.
- And Yogi?
- Well, he's in freaking India, isn't he?
There's only so much masturbation I can handle,
tantric or not.
- Thought I was confused.
- You are confused.
- So you'll become a Hindu or something?
- No.
[scoffs] I don't know.
That's the point.
- What does Yogi say about all this?
[laughs]
- Something fucking spiritual.
- Do you love him?
- Yogi doesn't believe in love,
not as the Western mind understands it.
- What do you believe in?
- I believe, sometimes you just have to re-evaluate
and say fuck it.
- So you think I should say fuck it
and just go for it with Brady?
- Well, that's not for me to say, is it?
But if you don't,
I can always teach you some tantric masturbation.
[laughs]
- Do you ever think, what if I jumped?
[screaming]
- I do.
I wonder, what if Luke jumped?
- Seriously, what difference would it make?
- Well, Angus would then be my best mate,
which would be shit.
- What about Jennifer?
- What if you pushed her off?
- Would she care?
Would she give a shit?
- Of course she would.
She loved you.
- Ah, see? Loved.
Past tense.
Would she cry? Would she?
- Do you want her to cry?
- Fuck yeah, I want her to cry.
I want her to be sad. I want her heartbroken.
I want her to sleep on my coffin, to weep on my grave.
- It's getting a little bit weird, now, mate.
- Oh, you wouldn't understand.
- Why?
- Well, you're hardly--
forgive me,
deep, when it comes to relationships.
- I've had tons of relationships.
- I don't count tromboning as a relationship.
- I've had girlfriends.
- Yeah, but you hardly loved any of them.
- How would you know?
- Well, when you're in love, you're fulfilled.
That person becomes a part of you.
They become the reason that you breathe.
They make you feel like you're the person
you always wanted to be.
- And you just became the gayest man in England.
- Have you ever said I love you?
- Well, I thought it might scare you off,
but I love you.
- I don't need any more weird stuff today.
- [laughs] What?
- What's that?
Is that from Jen?
- Take a look.
[laughs]
- Wow! Love, mum.
Wow, that, that is fucked up.
- That could scar someone for life.
- Your mummy's pretty hot.
- Seriously!
- You are way too serious today, man.
I'm trying to take the day off,
and you're acting like Julia Fucking Roberts.
- All right.
So how was last night?
- Well, this feels wrong.
- What?
- We're sitting on a clifftop.
This isn't the right place for this kind of conversation.
There's only one place for this kind of chat.
- The pub, that great bastion of British tradition,
a place to meet,
socialize, discuss politics,
and current affairs,
or to tell jokes, get pissed,
rant about football,
and argue for three hours about who's the best James Bond.
I think the answer to that is pretty fucking clear.
It's a symbol of all that is great in this fair Britain.
God bless the pub.
- [Swerve] Morning, lads.
- Morning, Swerve.
- [Swerve] Bit early for you two today, isn't it?
- Not today, it's not.
- The usual.
- Yeah, thanks. That was quick.
- [Swerve] I read your mind.
What's the matter with you today?
- He got a Valentine's day card from his mum.
- Oy!
I've got writer's block.
- Writer, eh?
- Yeah.
- What sort of writer?
- Novels.
- Well, you're the next Jeffrey Archer, are you?
- God, I hope not.
No, mine's about a man hunted
by the demons from a parallel dimension.
- Nah, don't like all of that stuff.
I prefer a bit of erotic fiction, myself.
- So you two coming to the party tonight?
- Well, I'll see how depressed I am.
- You want to move on.
She obviously has.
He's a bit sensitive, there.
- Ah, you know, love and all that.
- I prefer a bit of dogging, myself.
[disgusted sigh]
[ominous music]
- What you looking at?
- Nothing.
To our lives.
- Tp going nowhere fast.
- So now we're in our comfortable seats,
tell me about last night.
- A gentlemen never tells,
but me, not being one, would,
except I really don't remember.
- What, no memory of mind-blowing sex?
- I don't even remember pulling her.
- Ah, that's because you didn't.
- She came after me.
- Like a velociraptor.
- All I know is, I woke up this morning
in a strange bed with a girl--
- A sex crazy, nympho girl.
- A sex, crazy nympho girl riding me like a palamino.
- You got laid in your sleep?
- I know, cheeky bitch.
- I can think of worse ways to be woken up.
- I can see how you might think that.
- What, sexy girl...
- She was pretty sexy.
- Great body.
- Ah, some people might think it was a good body.
- Then what can you be possibly upset about?
- Well, she was pretty crazy.
- You put up with a bit of crazy for some sex.
- It's not all about sex.
- You are kidding.
This is you. It's all about the sex.
- I just didn't want to be with her.
- Wait, wait, wait.
You didn't want to be,
for one night,
with a sex crazy blond nympho?
- No.
I'm sick of it.
All the girls, all the one-night stands...
- The brilliant sex...
- It's meaningless.
I don't love any of those girls.
I don't want to spend the rest of my life waking up
in strange beds with girls I hardly know
whose names I can't remember.
- I am not getting your point.
- I've fallen in love with someone.
[laughs]
I'm fucking serious.
- What are you talking about?
- I've fallen in love.
- [laughs] Seriously?
- Totally.
- Oh, Jesus, you're serious.
With who?
It's not Jennifer?
Fuck, no, no.
- What's wrong with Jennifer?
- Uh, it's Fred.
- Come on, seriously. Who is it, really?
- It's Fred.
- You're in love with Fred?
- Why is that so hard to believe?
- What, you've known each other since you were kids.
That's a bit inbred.
- Fuck off.
- She's leaving soon.
What are you going to do about that?
- I don't know.
I wanted to tell her this morning,
but then I go and end up sleeping with another woman.
- God, that's such an easy mistake to make, isn't it?
I've done that twice myself this morning.
- With your mum?
- Why in a million years would she feel
the same way about me?
- Because he's kind, sweet, funny, charming...
- Handsome.
- Very bloody handsome.
- I bet he can go for hours, too.
- I don't know why, but I just love him.
- Then you have to tell him.
- What I'd really like to know is who invented
this Monday to Friday thing, you know?
Who was the bloke who first decided
we need to spend five days doing things
we don't want to do to earn money,
so we can spend two days
doing what we really want to be doing the other five days,
present company excluded, of course.
- It's just one of those things, isn't it?
I mean, who makes these rules up?
Who decided what food is all right
to eat for breakfast?
Why can we have eggs, sausages, and cereal,
and not burger, pizza, and a curry?
- It's bollocks, you know?
- Why do you never see a chicken omelet?
- Yeah.
We're just brought up with it, aren't we?
It's passed down through the generations like penis size
or webbed feet or webbed penises...?
- Now, you really need to get back out there.
- Ah, can we not talk about my life of loneliness,
abstinence and despair?
- What else are we going to talk about?
I'm not going to spend all afternoon
listening to you talk about your ex.
You need to look to the future, not the past.
- It was so good at the beginning.
- It always is.
That's one of those girl games.
They listen to you, tell you how nice you are,
that their last boyfriend was a bastard.
- I got that one.
- And then they sense they've got you believing
they like you for who you really are,
and then bam!
Suddenly they want to change you to
who they really like.
Now they start choosing your clothes.
They buy you the cologne they like.
So they never really liked you.
They were just trying to see how easy
it would be to mold you.
- Jennifer did keep suggesting I get a real job.
- And you fought her well.
- And what happened?
- She couldn't mold you into who she really wanted.
I mean, haven't you ever noticed the strange way
all girls seem to have the same DVDs in their collection?
- You'll always find Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing.
- [Luke] Ghost.
- And there's always a fucking fitness DVD
you've never seen her use.
- Yes, that's spooky.
Maybe they're not really DVDs inside.
Maybe they're like instructional tapes somehow
to control us.
- It would be the safest place.
They know we're not going to ask to borrow any of them
to watch with the lads.
Kind of like how we hide our porn.
- I kept mine in a Driller Killer case.
- Yeah, Zombie Flesh Eaters.
- Hello, lover.
- Talk of the bloody devil.
- I came to see my Valentine sweetheart.
- Well, if I see him, I'll warn him.
- So what have you planned for us tonight?
- A trip to the psychiatrist.
- I thought I'd make a romantic dinner for two tonight.
- Oh, I hope you're hungry.
- I'm going to make something for us special.
- Suzy, it's over.
- No, no.
- That is one fucked up Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct,
Hand that Rocks the fucking Cradle looney!
- I told you.
- Right body though.
Very nubile.
- Right, another one?
- No, I can't, I've got to finish this book.
- Hello. Hello, Luke.
Hello pretty young girl.
Hello piece of paper with a phone number written on.
What's going on?
Nothing, I am bang on track loser.
This is just an optical illusion.
- See I told you, man.
Was it that difficult?
- No, it was remarkably easy, actually,
especially when she asked if I could give you her number.
- What?
- She asked me
to give you her number.
So you manged to pull her through proxy.
- Well, I don't want it.
- Oh, that's right. You're in love.
So tear it up.
- No problem.
- Come on, then, tear it up.
- I will.
- Go on, then.
- Ah, I see, I knew you couldn't do it.
[dramatic orchestral music]
- Done.
- I'm impressed.
- I feel good.
I feel alive.
I'm the king of the world.
- Smile for the camera.
What's that face for?
I could swear to god you just said,
"I feel like the king of the world."
- I'm sick. I don't know what I'm saying.
- What are you looking at?
You know, I'm not a complete idiot.
- No, not completely. Almost.
- We'll see who's laughing when I send this picture
to the boss man.
- You really are a sniveling, burnout little shit.
- You must be Luke.
- Yeah, yeah. You must be Jeri, Jeri.
- No, it's Jeremy,
and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning.
If you're leaving, bye.
- What are you going to do?
- Get a drink.
- No, I can't.
- Luke, don't give me that shit
about going to the library.
This is an emergency.
- Then let's go get wasted.
Who're you calling?
- Reinforcements.
[phone ringing]
- [Voiceover] Angus!
- Yeah, yeah, yo! Shoot.
Yeah?
Yeah, I understand.
Yeah, I'll be, I'll be, I'll be there.
All right, I'm off.
Laters, people.
- Angus, this is not a social media network
where you can log off and on at will, you know.
There are scheduled hours here.
- Like prison?
Or work?
Personally I come here to get away from work
and prison.
We're students, meant to rebel.
We got to have time off for the hangovers
and the cool-downs.
We need time and space.
We need to chill.
- Just get the fuck out.
- I'll always remain,
underground [mumbles].
[phone ringing]
- Oh, that's... [mumbles].
That's unhygienic.
- Are you going to answer that?
- My bills are fine.
I haven't had an accident in the last six months.
I don't want to change my energy supplier.
I don't want to upgrade my mobile phone,
and I don't want to attend your seminar,
not even for a free toaster.
Have I missed anything?
Oh.
It's Luke.
Says he and Brady are going to spend the afternoon
on a pub crawl,
and are kindly asking if we'd like to join them.
- Fuck it. Why not?
I could do with a few pints.
- I think we'll meet you later.
- What the hell are you looking at?
- I'm going through Angus's history.
I believe this site's called GILFs are Us.
- I know they say to respect your elders,
but that is going too far.
- Since when did a ten-inch dildo spell respect?
[upbeat music]
- Wankers!
- [Brady] Hello, sweet top.
[laughs]
- That is a mate.
No fuss, no waiting.
- I hope we didn't drag you away
from anything important, buddy.
- Nah, my balls fell out again,
and I think I did something wrong to a piece of cod.
How was your day?
- Possibly the shittiest day ever.
- I'll drink to that.
Let's drink these up and gab more, shall we?
- Come on, guys.
- That one's a bit gassy.
[burp]
- It's making me cry a little bit.
[laughing]
Whew, I'm not even finishing that.
- I'm not leaving mine.
- Come on, they're bitter.
- Bitter moment.
[laughing]
You fucking pussy.
- Right. How many girls have you slept with?
- Oh, I knew you'd ask this question.
Not as many as you, you slut.
- And I want to hear names.
- All right, you first.
- No, I asked you.
- So?
- Yeah, so?
- All right.
I'll try to remember.
Um, okay [clears throat].
Annie
[screams]
April
[giggles]
Amber
[squeaks]
- Brittany
- Yeehaw!
- [Brady] Cat
[squeaks]
Clare
- What am I supposed to do?
What am I supposed to do?
- [Brady] Diane
- Oh, well done.
- Edith
- [Edith] Fuck me!
- All right.
- I was only on the Es.
- Yeah, but we get the point.
- All right, then, come on, how many?
[sighs]
- Yeah, that's really good, babe.
Love it.
[apple crunching]
- That's stupid.
- You have to answer.
- What about you?
- I only do the D, K, Ps.
- Like who?
- There was Denise.
- Are you sure that's fully erect?
- [Angus] There was Kayley.
- Hurry up, babes, I've got to get back to school.
- Paulina.
[dog panting]
I'm not sure she even counts.
- All right, one.
I slept with one girl.
- Who is it?
- What do you mean, who was it?
Including Jennifer, of course.
- You slept with one including Jennifer?
- Yeah.
- That's fucking tragic.
- What do you mean?
We were together for five years.
- That means you were a virgin until--
[laughing]
- All right, just get the fucking drinks.
It's your round, Angus.
- I got these.
- I got the ones before.
- Fuck you.
- Say it again.
You were a virgin until you were twenty-two.
- Just please get the fucking drinks.
- Hey, you know what?
Forget about it, man.
In some ways, I'm jealous.
- In what ways?
- Okay, in no ways.
But you know what? So what.
So it's not a top score.
I've lost interest and had to fake orgasms
to get away early.
[laughs]
- What are you talking about?
Men can't fake an orgasm.
- Yeah, of course we can.
- How do you fake an orgasm?
- You know, you just act.
- Bullshit.
[clears throat]
[moans]
- Yeah, yeah there.
[moans]
There, there.
Oh, all day, yeah.
[moans]
Nearly, nearly, nearly, oh yeah.
Yeah, oh, oh, oh yes!
Nearly!
I'm hearing
angels sing!
Just like your sister!
[moans]
- I'll have three pints of what he's having.
[humming]
- Was tense with mostly wide eyes.
It's not big ... it's not clever.
[Brady groans]
- [Angus] Here we go!
Round and round again.
Yay!
- [Luke] Now this is the tough part of the whole day.
This is where you start lagging.
You feel a bit tired.
You consider going home
and crashing in front of the TV for the rest of the night,
but you can't.
You've spent too much time, effort, and money
into getting this wrecked.
It's gonna be a shame to waste it.
- [Luke] I gotta pee.
- [Brady] Guys, I think I need to go to work.
- [Angus] What? You're joking, Romeo.
- I'll catch you [mumbles].
- I've really got to pee.
- What, shall I wait here, should I?
[splat]
[lively, rock music]
[yawns]
- Fuck.
Come on. Come on, come on.
Fuck.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
I knew I shouldn't have had that last pint.
[panting]
- What's wrong with you?
- There was a tall killer like the one from my book,
chasing me while I was pissing.
- I just licked shit.
Want some?
- I think you're a little late for work.
- Better late than never.
- And he's drunk, sir.
- That makes this all very easy.
- Woah, woah. Wait a minute.
I've got something to say.
Shut the fuck up. No one cares what you think.
I have in my hand, my resignation.
I won't be sacked from a job I detest.
I've done sat behind that fucking typewriter
for way too long,
and I'm setting myself free.
God knows what I'll do,
or where I'll go,
but I know it'll be better than this.
This job.
[honks]
- Please get rid of him, sir.
- Oh, shut up, Jeri.
And put a tie on.
[knocking]
- Ariel.
Ariel.
[snoring]
You were asleep.
[laughs]
- I was in a deep, meditative state,
touring worlds beyond our own.
- Sounded a lot like you were asleep.
I made tea.
- Oh, gasping.
- So, I've been thinking.
- Wait, let me guess.
Brady.
- Do you think I should try and be a bit more...
girly.
- What, like pigtails girly?
Or breast-implants girly?
- Neither, prefarably.
I was thinking, maybe, a dress.
- Let me tell you about men.
They are not like us.
We have five senses,
some of us have six,
but most people just five.
Hearing, smell, touch, sight,
and my personal favorite, taste.
Women use all five senses at once.
They love to mix and match.
Men can use just one at a time.
Their first sense is sight.
They are visual beings.
Now, you want it to go deeper than just sight,
but if you can, and I'll use an analogy you'll understand,
if you can hook him with sight,
then you can reel him in using smell,
touch, and of course, taste,
and then once you've caught him,
you can hit him with the hearing.
So, is that a yes?
Should I wear a dress, or?
- In my opinion, why the fuck not?
[laughs]
- I feel so good, fan-fucking-tastic.
- You should've taken a dump.
- What?
- Yeah, yeah, you should've pulled down your pants,
squirted a little, had a shit in your hands,
and throwed it at their faces and the walls.
They agree.
- I'm not sure he needed to go that far, Angus.
- You can never go too far
and those approaches the ultimate fuck you.
- But then I have shit on my hand.
- Yeah, that's a metaphor.
- For what?
- All these years they've been giving him shit.
Now the tables are turned.
Yeah.
- Nah, you' re a dirty bastard, Angus.
- Yeah, it's all been a witch hour.
I have to go see Willy Wonka.
I feel the Oompa-Loompa's about to come in.
- Hey, don't throw your poop at anyone.
- Poop?
[knocks]
- Hello?
I'm ready to come to Log Central.
[groans]
[gags]
[mumbles]
I can taste that.
[groans]
[coughs]
I've seen worse.
- Oops.
- [mumbles]
[sentimental rock music]
- I was as thirsty as a fish in a barrel of piss.
You've been drinking all day?
- I suddenly feel stone-cold sober.
- Like the dress?
- Yeah, you look...
different.
- Get many cards this morning?
- I didn't count them.
- Any good ones?
- I didn't open them.
- What did you do with them?
- Threw them in the bin.
- Why?
- I don't care about any of those girls.
I don't want to spend my life with them.
I don't love them.
I want... [laughs]
I want...
- What?
I want...
another drink, is what I want.
- How was work today?
Oh, I forgot, you don't have a job.
- Well, why should I have a job?
Half my wages will go towards you
spending at university experiencing life.
- It's called an education.
They teach you words like that at university.
- Oh, do they? Do they?
I just thought they taught you words like,
pfffft,
slacker,
and... cannabis.
- Oh, I almost forgot, Luke.
I saw a job offer in the paper.
Penthouse, looking for full-time professional masturbators,
and I immediately thought, "You're a wanker."
- The day I use the pub toilets,
even the bins are doing this.
I'm saying we should go to get a kebob now.
- [Luke] Yes, yes,
kabobs, kabobs, kabobs.
I got to refuel before we drink more.
- [Angus] Very wise.
- Listen to you bunch of little girls.
I thought geezers like you could drink like fish?
- No, we are not geezers.
We are gentlemen drinkers,
and we are pacing ourselves.
- Yeah, well, we'll skip it,
and see you at the party.
Come on.
- See you later?
- I promise.
- Did you see his face?
It worked like a dream.
- You think so?
- I'm starting to feel my mojo returning.
- Well, my mojo is fucking freezing in this dress.
Let's get going.
- What? Pfffft.
You look different.
[laughs]
- No, he doesn't.
- No, that's his shitty line.
- What?
- You really knocked Fred off her feet.
- What would you know about knocking girls
off their feet?
Jennifer kicked you in the balls,
and you've been crying over her for the last six weeks.
- All right, let's just chill, dudes.
- No, I want to hear Luke's brilliant advice
on how to handle my love life.
- Love life?
No, you've got that the wrong way around.
You have a sex life,
but you don't have a love life.
- Oh, well, at least I have that.
You don't have either.
- Well, I'm so flipping sorry
that I'm not on some quest to shag every girl I see.
- Well, maybe you should be.
Maybe it would help you realize
that the one you had is gone.
She left you.
Move on.
- Let's just chill and get some food.
- In a minute, I just want to say,
you're a selifish piece of shit, you are,
who doesn't deserve a girl like Fred.
- And you do, is that what you're saying?
- No, but I'm not the one who's in love with Fred.
Let's face it, you probably only just want to knob her
because she's off around the world.
- Fuck you.
- It's true. It's true.
You don't want somebody leaving
without having tried out this bloody, blah, sex machine.
- Yeah, well maybe I should have shagged Jennifer,
because you obviously weren't doing it right.
- Prick!
- [Angus] Ow!
- [Brady] What are you doing?
- You fucking....
- No, he did it.
- Who?
- Luke.
[laughs]
[balloon pops]
[sentimental rock music]
- Oh, I think there's a hair in mine.
- It's your mum.
- [Luke] At some point during the ordeal,
you have to have
a kebab pitstop.
It's absolutely essential to the evening portion,
and, while many people wait until the very end of the night,
which is quite frankly ludicrous,
you're barely going to remember what you've eaten.
I have mine about half eight, nine o'clock,
then I can relatively recall what was in it,
some kind of, you know, generic meat.
- What the fuck is that?
- It's your cock.
[laughs]
- Oh, Brady.
- [Luke] Another ritual of the drunk
is to make phone calls
to exactly the wrong person.
For instance, and, this is most offensive,
the ex.
It's a bad idea.
You know it's a bad idea,
but you have no choice.
- Dinner is served.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- So.
Come on, truth.
How many boys have you slept with?
Truth, remember.
- I don't want to play anymore.
- You're such a nun.
- Well, how many have you slept with?
- There was Michael.
[squeaks]
Jean.
[grunts]
Mark.
- Bingo!
- Another Mark.
[grunts]
Patrace.
[breathes]
Billy and Dana.
[laughs] That was a threesome.
Another Mark.
- All right, all right, you old slapper.
I've heard enough.
- And, of course, Yogi.
[Indian music]
- What're you going to do about him?
- I'm still waiting.
- For what?
- The sign, some divine intervention.
- Maybe it's not about some higher power.
Maybe it's about you deciding what's best for you.
- What happened to your eye?
- Luke done it.
- He punched you?
- It was a drunken accident.
It was meant to be for Brady.
- Why, what did you do?
- Nothing.
- They had a drunken argument,
and now the little petulant bitches are sulking.
- I'm not sulking.
It's him.
- You boys are so bloody childish.
A couple of pints and you want to smack your best mate.
Why don't you just apologize?
No harm done.
- Except for my eye.
- You in a major [mumbles]?
- No.
- Oh, obviously not.
- I'll get another round then.
- [Ariel] I'll help. - [Brady] I'll go.
- I'm already standing.
- Mine's a G and T, please.
- Sex on the beach, please.
Or a pint.
- Pint.
- Don't touch me.
- All right.
Just thought I'd try.
I'll tell you what,
that kebab sobered me right up.
- [Ariel] It's made your breath stink,
is what it's done.
- Oh, well, Ariel, that's the thing with kebabs.
The taste will last for hours.
[sing-songs]
- Oh, that's ... that's rank.
That's not cooking.
- So why are you and Luke arguing?
- Oh, it's nothing, nevermind.
- Hey, listen, I wanted to talk about us.
- There's an us?
- How long have we known each other?
- A long, long time.
- So, I mean, don't you think it's time we got together?
- You mean, you think we should have one night
to rampant shagging so you can ignore me,
like you usually do the other girls.
- I really like you, Fred.
- What can I get you two?
- Oh, do you do sex on the beach?
- No, not in a while.
It's car parks, mostly, nowadays.
Are you drunk?
- Um, uh... two pints of lager,
a G and T, Guiness, and a cider, please.
- Coming up.
- So...
- So what?
- I thought you might have something to say
about you and me?
- How do I know you're serious?
- I'll become celibate.
No sex, nothing until you believe me.
- Wow, very fucking romantic.
- You're not like other girls.
- I know.
I know, I'm like one of the lads.
- No, that's not what I meant.
- Why? What's so special about me?
- What's special is I care about you.
- Shit.
- What?
- Look who's here.
- Oh, fucking shit.
What is Jennifer doing here with that prick?
- Luke.
- What?
- Present for you, there's a little rose.
- Thank you. That's lovely.
- Just ignore her.
- I can't believe you're waving.
- That bitch.
[laughs]
- Oh.
- Sorry.
I'm dribbling.
Just going to the loo.
- Oh!
- [Fred] Here we go.
- Bastard.
- You spotted him then.
- He waved.
- You didn't.
- [Ariel] He did.
She smiled to him, and he waved back.
- You fucking cunt.
- Oh, Jesus, it was just a wave.
What was I supposed to do?
- You could've stuck two fingers up at her.
- Yeah, I think you're talking about the one finger.
- [Ariel] I prefer to keep it old school.
- Can't believe she's got the throat to bring
Jeri on a date to my pub.
- On Valentine's Day?
- She must've known you were here.
- This tops off my day perfectly.
Pissed off when I woke up.
Now I'll go back to bed even more pissed off.
- No, man,
you people know nothing about the human condition.
You called her and hung up, didn't you?
Didn't you?
- Maybe.
- Classic kebab moves.
A person tries to contact their ex and bottles it.
She's got your number up,
and she's thinking,
"Why on Valentine's Day is he calling me?"
She knows that you come here,
ergo she comes to see you.
Classic humanoid pattern.
- So why bring a date?
- Total basic instinct,
survival of the fittest,
or the female of the species teasing the male
like fuck.
- I don't know bollocks here that he spoke,
he's just going to have to fuck up her night.
- Thank you.
- She's right.
He needs to up the ante.
How about a round of vodka shots?
- Are you sure that's a good idea?
- I'm fine for Dino.
- All right, let me start the slash.
- Nice.
- So...
are you two going to sit like Sooty and Sweet all night?
- I'm all right.
- What's that sweetie?
- Yes.
- Thanks, Matthew.
- No problems, Lou.
- We need to talk.
- This isn't the best time.
- It's important.
- We have a problem.
I'm not happy.
- Well, I think--
- Please let me speak.
I'm not happy with us,
with our relationship.
I thought we had something special, but...
I don't know if I love you anymore.
- Oh, right, right.
Well, if you're sure.
- I know you don't want to hear it,
but we can't be together anymore.
But it can't be over before I give you something.
[kiss]
[thud]
[grunt]
[harp music]
- What the hell?
- Quite the opposite.
Welcome, Brady.
- Where am I?
- You're dead.
[laughs]
Just kidding.
You're here because I wanted a word with you.
- With me? Why?
- Look, I know how hot and sexy women can be.
I created them for Christ's sake,
but I think it's time to stop bedsurfing.
- I've messed it up with Fred, haven't I?
- Do you love her?
- Oh, absolutely.
- Then don't give up so easy.
- Yeah, you're right.
Hey, can I ask one question?
- As long as it's not about me and Mary.
- Nah, forget about it.
I better get back to Earth and sort my life out.
- Okay.
Expecto patronum!
Just kidding.
[grunts]
[groans]
- You okay, mate?
- Oh, I must have fainted.
- Yeah, you did.
Just after the punch.
- What punch?
- Fred saw you kissing Suzy so she lumped you.
- I wasn't kissing her.
She kissed me.
- That's not how she saw it.
- Don't worry, mate.
After you went down, Suzy got right and belted.
- You all right?
[moans]
- Touch me, touch me, right here.
[moans]
- What? [moans]
Where's Fred?
- She ran off.
- I can't believe it.
I screwed it up again.
You were right.
I've been jumping from girl to girl,
and now it's come back to bite me in the buttocks.
- More like punch you in the face.
- Look, I'm really sorry for what I said to you before.
Anyway, you were more right than I was.
I've been in a bad mood since I was dumped.
- Maybe it's time you sorted it out.
She's in here for a reason.
- What are you going to do?
- I'm going to do as God told me.
- What?
- Nothing.
And Luke... mate.
- No problem.
[Ariel sighs]
- [Ariel] Okay.
You can stop now.
- Luke.
give that prick a punch in the bollocks for me.
- [Ariel] Good luck.
And if you mess it up,
I'll crush your testicles.
[kisses]
[laughs]
- You know what, Luke?
That was a different side to you,
your really gay side.
- And number three for the lady,
and there we go.
- Ah, leave the bottles' worth.
- I'll leave the bottle when you fucking
pay for it, Dostoevsky.
- All right, sorry.
- I think this is it.
I think she's the one.
- It's been quite a day.
- It ain't over yet.
- I suppose I should just get on with it.
- Hey, you going to ask her to get back with you?
[sighs]
- Jen.
- Oh, hi Luke.
- How are things?
- Fine, you?
- Pretty good, really.
- You're probably wondering what I'm doing here.
- No, no, it's cool.
It's a free country, isn't it?
- I got a missed call from you, and...
I wanted to see you, Luke.
I miss you, and with Valentine's Day and everything...
- Why did you want to see me?
- I thought I wanted to see how you were?
Fact was, I was kind of hoping you'd be a complete ass.
I've been thinking about us.
- Wait, you wanted to see me because you knew
that I'd be here, and what?
You thought I'd be some kind of drunken bone and what?
That I'd beg you to take me back?
- I just wanted to tell you, I think I still love you.
[laughs]
- What's wrong with you, Luke?
- Nothing. No, no, I'm fine.
I am fine.
For the first time, since you dumped me,
I can see that I'm fine.
Don't get me wrong,
I've been through hell,
but here I am.
Come out on the other side,
I've still got my friends.
And right now, things are looking up.
- Look me in the eye,
and tell me you don't love me anymore.
- I can't do that, Jen.
But I can't say that I don't hate you, either.
You know, you never really get to know somebody
until they dump you,
and right now...
Right now I can see you
for who you really are.
- Well, I see who you are, Luke.
A failure.
When we met, I had hopes for you,
but [grunts] you were just a loser.
a failure,
a small, no, tiny dick,
hairy-shouldered fucking loser,
momma's boy.
- Don't you ever call me a momma's boy.
- I tried, Luke.
I tried to mold you into a proper person,
but no.
You just wanted to hang out with your stupid mates.
In fact, I kind of thought you and Brady
might be gay, for a while.
- Gay? Yeah, yeah?
Well, I wish I was gay
because then I'd be off, wouldn't I?
I'd be around the world sucking men's penii
instead of being here listening to bloody you.
[scoffs]
- Fuck you, Jen.
And fuck you, too.
[thud]
[grunts]
[growls]
You know, Jen, you really are a bitch.
[grunts]
[guitar music]
[telephone ringing]
- Fuck off, Brady.
I don't want to speak to you.
- Where are you?
I need to see you.
- Why don't you fuck off back to your tart?
- Fred, it wasn't like that.
- I saw you kiss her.
- It's not like that.
- We're done talking. - [Brady] Wait.
- Fred, you annoy me more than anyone else I've ever known.
You smell of fish all the time.
You bite your nails and spit it on the floor.
You never wash the bath out,
and you're always late.
- How come you're never late, Mr. Fucking Perfect?
- You're quick to throw a punch,
but you run away from anything that really matters
because you're scared.
You are scared.
- Of what?
- Of being yourself,
but I know you, Fred.
I know when you're with the lads and you order a beer,
you'd really rather have a Merlot.
I know when you say you're going for slushie,
you're going to top up your lipstick,
and I know you love me.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, and by the way, the dress?
It didn't work,
but not because of the dress,
because it's just not you.
- You're such a twat.
You say you know me,
but I know you, too.
I know that you're in a dead-end job
because you are shit scared of failing.
You go fucking your way around town,
chasing anything with tits and a heartbeat
and you expect me to fall to my knees
and bounce when you give me a turn.
It drives me insane that we live in the same house,
and you parade that herd of sluts under my nose.
You're a selfish bastard,
and I cannot wait to get on a boat
and sail the fuck away.
- You know what, Fred?
- What?
- You know what?
- What?
- You're right.
We are done talking.
[sweet piano music]
- If you hurt me, I will use your balls as shark bait.
- Time, gentlemen, please.
Last orders at the bar.
[groans]
- You know, Ariel.
I never really thought that
punching someone really, actually, quite...
hurt so much.
- Well, you did very well.
His fists looked very sore,
so in a way, you won the fight.
Oh, your breath stinks.
- Where's Suzy?
- We broke up.
- What?
She left me for another man.
- She doesn't mess around.
- No.
- I thought she was the one.
- Yeah, don't worry, mate.
There is someone out there for every one of us.
Not me.
- Come on, you lot.
I've got a car park to get to.
- Up we go.
Come on, fine time.
Leave it.
[mumbles]
- What?
- Come on.
- Checkmate.
- You won't know what's hit you later, darling.
- Coming back for a night cap?
- Night cap? Come on.
We can do whatever we want.
We're free spirits.
We can throw beer mats at dogs, or
feed back some [mumbles].
- How about just a drink, Angus?
- Look, you guys go and do...
whichever one of those you want.
I'm going to go home and write my book.
I'm feeling inspired.
- Good night, then.
- Good night.
[sighs]
Life, it's a series of endings and new beginnings,
and every once in a while,
one pops up when you least expect it,
which makes it all the more exciting, I guess.
As for my friends,
they'll wake up tomorrow
probably with a hangover.
And for a couple of them,
things will be different.
- [Angus] Yah!
- [Brady] Angus!
- [Fred] Fuck off, Angus.
- [Luke] But hopefully,
not too much.
[triumphant music]
♪ I'm wasted
♪ I'm so bloody wasted
♪ I cannot stand up much
♪ Booze tasted
♪ My home supply gone
♪ Nothing wasted
♪ Except for me
♪ Cause I'm wasted
♪ I'm so terribly wasted
♪ I'm so ugly
♪ Drink's my face lift
♪ It makes me carefree
♪ Of my stresses
♪ Of living with me
♪ So I'm wasted
♪ I'm, oh, sophisticated
♪ I'm getting drunk
♪ Never pasted
♪ How low I have sunk
♪ The girl at the bar
♪ She said that I stunk
♪ I'm wasted
♪ I'm rolling around
♪ On the dance floor
♪ I'm searching for love
♪ But I found me a whore
♪ But I'll never see you again
♪ Da da duh-duh bye
♪ I'm wasted
♪ I'm rolling around
♪ Like a madman
♪ I'm gonna be crowned
♪ With a bar band
♪ The bouncers tell me
♪ Rolling around
♪ With hands away
♪ I'm a failure
♪ I'm such a disgrace
♪ I'm talking to you
♪ Smashed out of my face
♪ I'm a failure
♪ I'm such a buffoon
♪ Time at the bar
♪ God come too soon
♪ I'm wasted
♪ This cold sweat is making me
♪ Feel sick
♪ My vision is blurred
♪ I'm a fried prick
♪ But I'll never see you again
♪ Dah bah duh-duh bye
♪ I'm wasted
♪ I'm rolling around
♪ Like a madman
♪ I'm gonna be crowned
♪ With a bar band
♪ The bouncers tell me
♪ I'm rolling around
♪ With hands away
♪ Oh, Lord
♪ I lay down here
♪ To die
♪ I wonder
♪ If anyone will cry
♪ Oh, Lord
♪ Please don't let
♪ There be pain
♪ Cause happy
♪ Now is my name
♪ That's because
♪ I'm wasted
♪ Oh, I'm wasted
♪ I'm wasted
♪ I'm so happy
♪ I'm wasted
♪ Wasted
♪ I'm a drunk now